I relapsed again. The desire to cum, overwhelmed my willpower. I feel drained. The fire in my belly has evaporated. I don’t feel like doing anything.
Except, watch more porn.
I realized, I relapsed long before I took my dick out. I entertained thoughts about watching porn, long before I watched it. I wanted to relapse. And the fact that I had abstained for two weeks, made it seem like a good idea. I convinced myself to view it as a reward.
And that, set my balls in motion.
However, the perception I had of porn, was different. It looked fake. All of it. Especially the sex scenes. The better the production, the less connected I felt.
It wasn’t all bad. Amateur videos looked real.
The video I chose to masturbate to, reminded me of the last person I had sex with. The pornstar, sucked dick just as well as she did. The longer I watched, the more warped my thoughts became.
I started thinking about fucking fat girls. The girl in the video was fat. The last person I fucked, wasn’t somebody I would normally have sex with. She was outside my comfort zone. And she was one of the best fucks I ever had.
The longer I watched, the more I thought about her. I could empathize with the guy. I could remember moaning the same way he did, and having my dick sucked the same way, by a girl who was just as enthusiastic.
Now, as I sit here, writing. I keep having flashbacks of the scenes I watched. The fog still lingering around my brain.
The first few days are the hardest. I must avoid falling into a slump, because that leads to depression.
Porn sucks our life energy. And replaces it, with demonic energy. An energy that’s leads to fixation.
It sucks our drive to live. And leaves us with a drive to spill. The human body is like a car. And sperm is the oil. It helps us get from point A to point B. If we spill it all, we’ll never get anywhere.
Thus, we need to harness this energy, protect and conserve it.