The path towards love and happiness requires self-awareness. My path, started with an obsession to possess the other. Then it was about knowing myself, and why I wanted the other so badly.
I’ve seen people take different paths in this journey, and I’ve seen where some of these lead to. I’ve had friends contemplate suicide, after achieving the success they wanted with women.
One thing I’ve noticed, is you must have self-awareness. Without it, there’s no compass to guide you towards happiness and emotional well-being. With it, comes clarity over the actions one should take.
To improve your self-awareness, start by asking why. Examine why you do things. Some of the things that motivate us, aren’t healthy; like using a human being to fill a void.
For starters, people aren’t reliable. That person won’t always be there to fill up your void. So, filling up that emptiness with something more consistent is healthier. I chose to write to fill up my emptiness.
Secondly, acceptance of your ‘self’ is imperative. A mistake I made when I was younger, was that I viewed myself as a dichotomy. There was a split between who I was. A false self vs the true self, the asshole vs the nice guy. This was an illusion. Who I was, wasn’t either or. I was a combination of both. I was all of this.
The false self was my social identity. It wasn’t who I thought I was, but what people thought of me, based on the information they received. It was feedback from my environment. I may not have agreed with everything people said. But, there was still truth to how people perceived me.
Instead of trying to get rid of my false self, I expressed who I felt I was. This helped me achieve congruency. I left room for interpretation, since I couldn’t control what other people thought. I learned that people liked me, because of the combination of my two selves.
It gave me depth. Girls who I became involved with, saw me as multi-dimensional. They felt like getting to know me, was worthwhile. They uncovered layers of who I was, which contradicted who they thought I was.
The asshole part of my personality, I realized, had a purpose. It consisted of my sense of humor. It made me unpredictable, entertaining and it protected me from emotional harm. I realized that trying to get rid of the asshole within me, would mean getting rid of a part of myself. A part of what made me who I am, a part that made me unique and complete.
I learned that accepting and integrating it into my personality, was better than getting rid of it. I just had to learn how to express it more appropriately.
Which parts of your personality do you think you would be better without? What purpose do they serve you?
Maybe you feel like you would be more successful if you were less soft, and more aggressive. However, you may not notice that your softness may have led you to apply compassion, when it was really needed. You may find that your softness leads you to have empathy for others, and makes you more enjoyable to be around.
That’s what the true self is. The true self is you. It doesn’t have to be discovered, only accepted. It’s not fixed. People are always changing, both physically and mentally. Thus, our conceptions of ourselves change too.
The true self includes the parts that you’re proud of, and the ones you’re not. Accept them, embrace them, and learn to use them to your advantage. Abandon all ideas that lead you to abandon yourself.
Abandon ideas based on the past. I understand that, it’s impossible to completely abandon the past because it brings us wisdom. However, abandon ideas from the past. When you use the past as a frame of reference, you guarantee that the past repeats itself.