Confessions of A Sociopath

Sociopathy. In laymans terms, they’re those scum of the earth that do all they can in order to succeed in the world, regardless of how these options and decisions affect others. When you look deep enough at it, the sociopathy stems from an inhibition to understand and relate to the various emotions humans expose in every day life. That doesn’t at all mean sociopaths are in the generic way bad as such. They’re just …… different.

From scholastic articles, the prominent difference between socio and psychopaths is that ultimately, psychopaths tend to adopt a violent disposition and lead to the grand personalities such as Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted Bundy. Now don’t be mistaken. I have an extremely violent tendency. You see, the difference between me and a psychopath is that I have the knowledge and judgement to know why I shouldn’t act out on my urges. Sitting in a restaurant and being served slowly by a disinterested waiter makes me want to flip the table and choke out the server, but because I’m a civil human being – I don’t.

The one trait socio and psychopaths share that helps them get by in every day life is the superficial charm and “gift of the gab”. This enables them to manipulate and charm their way through situations that normal people might not get away with. In this sense, I must confess I am brilliant at speaking on the spot. I can speak on any topic at any given time. A gift I have made use of to propel myself through presentations and other such public speaking affairs throughout life. I’ve thrived in public speaking since my youth, and my skills at speaking confidently in public has only grown since.

I think there’s a spectrum. Just like there is with disorders such as autism, sociopaths have a broad spectrum to the extent of their sociopathy. When it comes down to it. I think we’re all a little bit sociopathic. Me? I’d say I fall somewhere on the medium line of the spectrum.

I couldn’t exactly express my innate desire to murder to feel the sensations it would bring about. Or the thrill of evading the police and hopefully being given a charismatic name in the papers. No. If I did that, I would be sent to one institution or another to prevent what society would deem as a possible threat to the public in the near or far future. I’ll rather dwell on the more subtle things. Frankly speaking, I don’t feel much. My girlfriend “oohhhhs” and “ahhhhhs” every time she sees a baby and all I see is a small blubbering crying machine. Surprising isn’t it. A sociopath with a girlfriend. But yes, it’s possible. Another of the MUST BE CHECKED OFF items is good intelligence. Random right? So signs of good cognitive ability prove you have sociopathic tendencies. Another check on the list as I’m all too often told “You don’t even need to study to get good grades”. Maybe I’m lucky or good at writing nonsense. Maybe it is isn’t intelligence at all.

It does get weird. We can be sitting watching a movie about Adam Sandler adopting a new identity to better enjoy life and suddenly I’m sprung at with the question “Do you ever think of killing me?”

I laugh it off and I think we both take it as a joke. The look in her eyes is that of apprehension but I take it in good humour. At the end of it all, I think we both know she feels I’m a sociopath. And at the end of the day, I feel she’s waiting to see whether or not her suspicions can be confirmed. One way or another.

Hyperinflated ego and an uncontrollable God complex are yet more items on the given check list for signs of sociopathy that I exhibit. I’m told this often by both my girlfriend and family members. My pursuit of the biggest arms and most muscular body may be perceived by most as the need to prove my superiority to everyone else. Maybe I just want big arms? My irrationality and rash judgements are yet more things my beloved significant other has pointed out I display from the list. An unhealthily good relationship with alcohol is yet another thing I supposedly have in common with sociopaths. Although as of late I reserve myself to a mere glass of wine or two. So scratch that. Although in hindsight, it comes down to one of two options. A bottle or glass. I’ll drink either.

Violent behaviour has been a trait of mine since my youth when I would spar at Karate. I would always take it a step further and hit my opponent as hard as I could, wherever I could. All who know me, speak highly of my intense temper. So I guess that part still rains true. Although intense I’ve learnt to somewhat control the anger and not let it get the best of me. The secret to it? As the Hulk says in the Avengers – “That’s the secret. I’m always angry.”

The two last things on the Sociopathic checklist my girlfriend and family members can definitely attest to are immaturity and gaslighting. The gaslighting attempts are more so directed at my significant other. But that’s a story for another day.

My need for stimulation is yet another attest to a pointer of my girlfriends prescribed sociopathy. Driving fast cars and “recklessly” as viewed by some others are one of the ways in which I stimulate myself. The somewhat blurred line between fun and pain especially when intoxicated is another screaming gesture to my sociopathy. The countless burn marks on my hands from making “smileys” attest to that.

Honestly. I don’t know whether or not I’m a sociopath. My girlfriend strongly thinks I am, and women always know best. So who knows. But regardless of my lack of interest in the lives of others and my manipulation from time to time. Overall, I’d say I’m actually a pretty nice guy. So yes, when it comes down to it, I would say I check 98% of the requirements to be classified as a sociopath, but if that is the case, I’m a good one. Not good in the sense I always get away with the misdeeds. But I’m an alright kind of guy.

I go to class. I have a brilliant family life and hold down a part time job while going to university and the gym multiple times a week (God complex to be the best). So if anything, I’m just like any normal guy. I go to the grocery store. Stare vacantly at the groceries as they move on the belt towards the till operator and then proceed to don an impeccably realistic fake smile. If anything, I would say I’m a role citizen and someone children could look up to.

Maybe, and just maybe consider this.

The “superficial charm” is superficial. It’s a real part of me. The “violent behaviour” is a result of living in a world ruled by iron fists. I’m a mid twenties guy, immaturity is a God given gift for people my age. All these things on the so called “check list” can easily be explained. Well all but a few.

I have no idea why I feel no empathy or care much for other people. But that’s me. However you want to interpret or place me in a category.

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